What to Say (and Not Say) to Someone Who’s Grieving
Most of us have been in the difficult position of wanting to comfort someone but not being quite sure how to approach the conversation. Do you address it directly? Or wait for them to mention it? Do you ask questions? Or try to talk about lighter, easier topics instead of reminding them of their loss?
When it comes to grief, words often fall short. Grief is deeply personal, and finding the right words to offer comfort without adding to their pain often feels overwhelming. But the truth is, you don’t need to get it perfect. Simply showing up and offering support can make a world of difference.
In this article, we’ll share practical advice on what to say - and what not to say - when comforting someone who’s grieving.
What to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving
If you’re struggling with ideas on how to communicate that your thoughts are with someone, we’ve got a few suggestions that might help. The key is to keep it simple, genuine, and supportive.
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
A simple statement that acknowledges their grief without trying to fix it. It shows that you care and share in their sadness.
“Do you want to talk about them?”
Encouraging the bereaved to share memories or stories about their loved ones is a great way to honour their loss. Be ready to listen without interrupting or steering the conversation. If you have a memory of your own you’d like to share with them, ask if they’d like to hear it. Talking about the person who’s passed is the best way to keep their memory alive.
“It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling.”
Grief brings a mix of emotions, from sadness and anger to guilt and even relief. There is no “right” way to feel after the passing of a loved one, and by voicing that, you validate their feelings and help them feel seen and understood.
“Can I help with [specific task]?”
Grieving people may not have the energy to think about what they need, so being specific instead of offering general help makes them more likely to accept. As an example, instead of asking, “Can I drop you off some groceries?” try “I’m going to drop off some groceries. What morning this week will someone be home?” Or, instead of “Is there anything I can help with?” try, “What’s one job for the funeral I can take off your hands?”
For more ideas, see our tips on funeral catering to support grieving families.
What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving
Even with the best intentions, certain phrases can unintentionally hurt or minimise grief. Here are a few things to avoid saying:
“They’re in a better place.”
While this may come from a place of comfort, it can come across as dismissive. Don’t assume that words that would offer you comfort will do the same for someone else. Instead, focus on supporting their emotions rather than offering explanations for the loss.
“I know how you feel.”
The relationship between any two people is completely unique. And so is every loss. While you may have experienced your own loss, and you may empathise, you can’t truly know how someone feels at that moment. Instead, try “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you” to keep the focus on their experience.
“At least they lived a long life.”
It’s very common for us to want to offer some positivity when confronted with the depths of grief. However, trying to find a “silver lining” can unintentionally minimise their loss. Instead, acknowledge the grief without comparisons or justifications.
“You won’t feel this way forever.”
While logic and experience show that grief does become less painful over time, it never truly goes away. Grief doesn’t have a timeline. Avoid placing expectations on how someone “should” be feeling or diminishing how they feel right now, and instead meet them where they are right now.
Practical Ways to Offer Support
Sometimes, the best thing you can do is say nothing at all. Instead, focus on listening and providing practical support in whatever way you’re able to. If you’re unsure how to help beyond words, here are a few ways to show you care:
Send a thoughtful note or card
A heartfelt message can offer comfort, especially when written with care and sincerity.
Deliver meals or groceries
Practical support can ease everyday stress during a difficult time.
Offer to attend the funeral or memorial
Your presence at these gatherings shows solidarity and support.
Check in regularly
Remember, grief doesn’t end after the funeral. Checking in with a simple “How are you doing today?” weeks or months later can mean a lot.
Here to Help, Every Step of the Way
While your presence can go a long way, there are times when professional support may also be needed. If the person you care about seems overwhelmed, withdrawn, or unable to cope with daily life, you may want to gently suggest they speak to a counsellor or grief support group.
Helping someone who’s grieving is never easy, but your compassion can provide comfort during one of the hardest times in their life. Remember, it’s not about saying the perfect thing - it’s about being present and showing that you care.
For signposting to a range of grief support services, speak to our team at Gateway Funeral Services. We’re happy to help.
